How to write the perfect obituary, according to funeral industry professionals

You've been given one of life's most emotionally complex assignments: to capture a lifetime of love, memory, and personality in a few hundred words, all while navigating your own grief and the pressure of a deadline. It feels overwhelming because it is. You’re being asked to write, to mourn, and to organize, all at once.

This professional blueprint is designed to make that burden manageable step by step. First, a crucial piece of context: this isn't mere bureaucracy. It's a final act of love, a chance to ensure the essence of the person you loved is honoured and remembered accurately.

Here’s exactly how to begin.

Before You Write a Single Word

Before you craft a single beautiful sentence, assemble the foundational details. This prevents painful errors and satisfies the basic requirements for publication.

Checklist Format:

• Full legal name (including maiden name, if applicable)

• Age at death

• Date and place of death

• Cause of death (This is optional. It's entirely the family's choice to include or omit this.)

• Date and place of birth

• City of residence

Pro tip: Use a simple template as your checklist and verify every fact with another family member. This double-checking is invaluable.
Quick note: Newspaper obituaries often cost by the line or word. Having your facts assembled first allows you to build the personal story around this essential framework, making it easier to edit down later if needed.

Craft Your Opening Announcement

The opening sentence has one primary job: to state the death while immediately establishing the emotional tone for what follows.

You have several options for traditional phrasing:

• "It is with great sadness..."

• "Following a lengthy battle..."

• "Peacefully and surrounded by family..."

Expert technique (highlighted): Write in the present tense first, as if you're composing a letter to their closest loved ones. "Deliver it like you're writing it to their husband or wife or best friend," Goss advises. This helps you connect emotionally during an impossible time. You can convert it to the correct past tense during the editing phase.

Modern approach: It's also acceptable to skip euphemisms if directness feels more authentic.

• Example: "The woman who never met a stranger died Tuesday surrounded by the dozens of friends who proved it..."

Key advice: The goal is to choose language that sounds like your family, not a generic template.

Tell Their Life Story

The traditional structure is a helpful starting point:

• Birth details and birthplace

• Education and degrees

• Career highlights

• Military service (if applicable)

• Hobbies, passions, and volunteer work

• Community involvement

• Values and character traits

But here's the secret: Don't just list facts; this is where you let their personality shine through. To jog your memory, ask yourself and others the kinds of questions professional obituary writers use.

Jogging Questions:

• How would you describe their personality in three words?

• What did people say most often about them?

• What were their proudest accomplishments?

• What were their quirks that made them special?

• What's the first story that comes to mind?

• How would they want to be remembered vs. how will they genuinely be remembered?

The shift from old to new approach is powerful:

• Old: "John was a banker for 40 years and enjoyed fishing."

• New: "John was the kind of banker who remembered every client's grandchild's name... His tackle box was more organized than his desk... 'The fish don't have to cooperate for me to win,' he'd say."

Critical advice: Reach out for stories from multiple people. As writer Susan Shain who offers obituary writing services notes, "Talk to other family members as it will help you jog each other's memories." A brother-in-law, a neighbour, and a coworker will each remember different details. These fragments are what create a multidimensional portrait.

Honour Family Connections

This section matters for recognition, public record, and genealogy. Follow this specific order for clarity:

• Spouse/life partner (with years together)

• Children (in birth order, with spouses in parentheses)

• Grandchildren (all names or total number)

• Great-grandchildren

• Parents (if living)

• Siblings (with spouses)

• Other significant relationships

Then, list the predeceased: immediate family members who died before them.

Modern language options: Instead of the formal "She is survived by...", you might try "She will be lovingly remembered by..." for a warmer tone.
CRITICAL: Verify the spelling of every single name with multiple family members.
Sensitivity note: Thoughtfully consider estranged family, non-traditional structures, and chosen family, honouring the relationships that were most meaningful to the deceased.

Example Contrast:

• Standard: "She is survived by her husband Jim, son John, daughter Susan, and four grandchildren."

• Personalised: "She leaves behind Jim, her husband and best friend of 52 years... Her children- John (keeper of her recipe box) and Susan (inheritor of her green thumb) along with four grandchildren who learned poker at her knee..."

Provide Service Details

This is the practical heart of the obituary. Be clear and precise.

What to include:

• Visitation/Wake: Date, time, FULL street address

• Funeral/Memorial: Date, time, full address

• Burial (if public): Location and time

• Pending services: "A celebration of life will be held at a later date."

• No service: "At [name]'s request, no formal service will be held."

Pro tip: Always use full street addresses, not just venue names. This is crucial for out-of-town guests using GPS. Specify if services are public or private to manage expectations.
CRITICAL WARNING: Do NOT list reception locations in the published obituary. Funeral directors consistently warn that this attracts strangers interested only in free food. Share reception details through personal invitations at the service instead.

Memorial Contributions

If you wish to suggest donations to a charity, provide clear information.

What to include:

• Full legal charity name

• Complete mailing address with postal code

• Optional: A brief sentence on why this cause mattered

Language shift: Avoid the phrase "in lieu of flowers," which can sound cold and transactional.
Instead, try: "Memorial donations may be made to..."

Example: "Memorial donations may be made to the Springfield Food Bank, where John volunteered every Saturday morning for 15 years, rain or shine. [address]"
This feels invitational and adds context that inspires giving.

You Can Do This

If you're feeling overwhelmed, please understand: that feeling is love, not inadequacy. You know this person better than any professional writer ever could. You don't need to be a professional - you just need to be honest.

Your practical next step is simple: Gather family, in person or by phone, and ask, "What's the first story that comes to mind?" Start there. Use this blueprint as scaffolding, not scripture. Skip sections that don't fit; add unconventional elements that do.

This final thought is your anchor: Writing an obituary isn't just an announcement. It's ensuring their story doesn't end with their last breath. You are honouring a life lived, and there is no one more qualified for the job than you.