I remember the exact moment my world collapsed: the day we lost my father. He was not just our provider - he was our protector and anchor. He was the immortal figure in my eyes that would live forever, our pillar of strength till eternity. My mother was only 30; young and suddenly thrust into a life she never prepared for. I, the firstborn, had to grow up overnight. There were school fees to think about, a household to stabilize and younger siblings who needed reassurance in a world that no longer made sense. All this at just 12 years old.

Grief bulldozed through our lives and left in its wake empty chairs, half-finished dreams and a future that suddenly looked bleak.

Today we explore all the changes that occur when you lose a father; and how to begin again.

“It’s not just a person you lose. It’s a mirror, a compass, a past and unrealistically, a future”

Attachment theory tells us that our caregivers (especially parental figures) form the blueprint for how we relate to safety, love and even the world. The death of a father can shatter that framework.

It gets even worse when your father was your first protector and steady guide, or even your toughest critic. His death can evoke everything from security loss to unresolved tension and reshape how we view ourselves.

Admittedly, the grief of losing any parent is profound. Even so, the type of grief we experience may not be the same.

Losing a father, especially in traditional or African contexts, can often feel like losing provision or stability. On the other hand, losing a mother might feel like losing emotional nurturing or home.

For example, my cousin who lost her mother grieved in moments of daily absence. Who will braid her daughter’s hair now? While for me, the weight came in monthly rent, unpaid bills and that cold fear of no safety net. I felt vulnerable, my mom felt vulnerable, like she had thrown out to a pack of wolves.

Grief doesn’t always arrive on time. Sometimes it waits. Weeks, months - sometimes it takes years to rear its ugly head.

I know of people who laughed and joked during a beloved’s burial : only to have a serious breakdown years later. Delayed grief is an actual thing.

After my father died, I was too busy managing things to feel. The grief snuck in later, triggered by small things like a father’s day advert or a lack of reassurance that all will be well after a failed test.

What are the Signs of delayed grief?

- Chronic fatigue

- Emotional numbness

- Overworking or perfectionism

Inhibited grief is when you feel you must “stay strong,” especially if you're now the family’s pillar. Bottled grief, however, always finds a leak.

Not all grief is clean or loving. Maybe your father was emotionally distant, abusive or absent. Some parents are known to never give a compliment but are always quick to reprimand.

Grieving someone you had mixed feelings about adds layers of guilt, confusion, or in some instances anger. This is called ambiguous loss - grieving someone who wasn’t fully there even when they were alive.

And yes, it’s still valid. You’re allowed to mourn what never was.

Some parents didn't know better, they were brought up in compassion less environment - and that's all they knew.

Sometimes, Grief becomes more than just emotional - it becomes physical too. In What does grief do to your body? Chris Raymond states that “grief isn't just an emotional experience - there are also a number of serious physical symptoms that can sometimes show up in ways that might catch you off guard.”

Some of these symptoms include - but aren't limited to;

- Headaches

- Sleep disruption

- Appetite changes

- Chest tightness

When death is sudden, trauma responses kick in. You might feel constantly alert, or numb altogether. Sudden death robs you of preparation. The shock alone can immobilize you for months.

Grieving the loss of a father can be an overwhelming experience that could lead to or exacerbate certain psychiatric conditions. Some of the disorders or mental health concerns that may arise from prolonged or complicated grief include:

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD):

We have instances where grief evolves into depression, especially if feelings of sadness and despair persist for long periods. So how do you tell that the grief has become depression? Loss of interest in activities, changes in appetite or sleep patterns and difficulty concentrating are some of the symptoms you should watch out for.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):

When loss of a father occurs under traumatic circumstances, some people develop PTSD. Examples include sudden death, violent death or a prolonged difficult illness with symptoms including flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance of reminders of the death and emotional numbness.

Complicated Grief (Prolonged Grief Disorder):

Extended grief can easily become complicated, causing significant distress and impairing the person’s ability to function. A major symptom of complicated grief is feeling stuck in grief and having difficulty accepting death or moving forward.

Anxiety Disorders:

The fear of further loss or an overwhelming sense of uncertainty about the future can lead to generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic attacks or specific phobias. Under anxiety disorder, a grieving individual develops heightened anxiety about their own mortality or the wellbeing of other loved ones.

Substance Use Disorders:

It's well documented how in some cases, grieving individuals might turn to alcohol or drugs as a way to cope with the emotional pain and numb the grief. What started as an easy way out of the pain easily turns into a dependable habit that one cannot do without thus resulting in substance use issues.

Adjustment Disorder:

Sometimes, grief can trigger an adjustment disorder. This happens when a person has difficulty adapting to a major life change, such as the death of a father and may involve significant emotional distress, irritability or difficulty functioning in daily life.

Social Withdrawal and Loneliness: Grieving individuals may withdraw socially and isolate themselves, which can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and contribute to depression or anxiety.

It's important to note that everyone grieves differently and that these disorders are not inevitable outcomes. Anyone struggling with the intensity or duration of their grief should seek professional help. Therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or grief counseling, can be effective in helping individuals process their emotions in a healthy way.

What helps

- Journaling (especially letters to your dad)

- Talking to your inner child

- Creating memory rituals: lighting a candle, building a memory box, or celebrating his birthday with your siblings

What doesn’t:

- Toxic positivity (“He’s in a better place”)

- Comparing grief timelines

- Telling someone to “be strong”

What to say to someone grieving a dead father.

To be honest, no possible words could be said to a grieving individual to take away their pain, but some words of comfort could go a long way.

“Tell me something about him.” and “How are you feeling today?” could be a simple but effective way of showing you understand their pain.

Grief is a personal journey, but there are times when carrying it alone becomes too heavy. Knowing when to seek help can make all the difference in your healing process.

Here’s when you should consider seeking professional support:

If you find it hard to get out of bed or complete everyday tasks for more than a few weeks.
You’ve lost interest in things that once brought you joy.
You’re having trouble sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
You’re experiencing panic attacks or prolonged anxiety.
You feel isolated, numb, or emotionally detached from others.
Your grief is turning into self-blame or ongoing guilt.

Here are a few forms of support that could help.

Individual therapy

A therapist trained in grief and trauma can guide you through complicated emotions and give you tools for coping.

Group therapy or grief circles

Sharing your journey with others who’ve experienced similar loss can validate your feelings and offer comfort. Like they say, a problem shared is a problem half solved.

Group therapy or grief circles

The best online group therapy

Spiritual or cultural support

In many African communities, (or cultures the world over for that matter) leaning into faith or ancestral rituals can provide a grounding sense of connection and continuity.

Online support groups and grief forums

Sometimes healing begins when you realize you’re not alone—even virtually.

Online support groups for people grieving their lost dad

**Visit [Solace & More’s Grief Coach Directory] to find culturally aware professionals who can support you through your healing journey.**

Mini Ritual + Prompt: You Are the Legacy Now

When a father dies without a will, disputes often follow. We saw it in our family. People change as squabbles arise. And amidst the chaos, the grief gets buried.

Take 3 minutes: Little but significant steps to comfort you.

Write down one lesson your father taught you and how you live it today. You might be just his child , But you are also his legacy.

Grief Backpack Checklist: What are you carrying today?

Mini Journal Prompt: “Things I Wish I Could Tell My Father”

Do you know what helped me during the grieving process of my dead father?

A poem. Yes, a simple beautiful poem by Elizabeth Frye

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

“Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep” felt like my father was addressing me directly. In those moments, I felt like my dad was giving me the go ahead to live my life, remembering his legacy because he might have passed on from this world but his spirit lives on forever. I found comfort and imagined my dad reassuring me not to be sad or cry at his grave because he hadn't really gone away.

In “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep,” the speaker says they are now part of the beautiful things in nature — the wind, the sunlight, the rain and the stars. The message is: I’m still around you, just in a different form. Don’t be sad because I’m not really gone.

It’s a gentle way of saying that love and presence don’t end with death.

Finding Solace After the Loss of a Father.

The death of a dad can shake the very foundation of a person’s life. Whether he was a protector, a guide, or a quiet constant in the background, his absence creates a void that’s hard to describe, let alone fill. And yet amid the ache, there is space for solace, for healing and for a quiet reassembling of self.

Moving on doesn't mean forgetting. It means learning how to live with the loss in a way that honours your father's legacy and allows you to keep going.

Grief Isn’t a Straight Line

Grief has no set rhythm. It may begin as a thunderstorm, loud, overwhelming and unrelenting - and slowly shift into a quieter drizzle. Some days, you carry it like a weight; other days, it hums in the background. Solace begins when we stop fighting the rhythm and start honoring it. Healing doesn’t simply means integrating the loss into your life in a way that allows you to continue moving forward.

Memory as Medicine

Memories can bring both comfort and pain, but over time, they begin to serve as a kind of medicine. Telling stories, revisiting shared traditions, or even wearing something he used to wear can offer unexpected peace. Remembering an inside joke and laughing about it. Solace comes when memories stop wounding and start warming.

The Power of Ritual

Creating small rituals like lighting a candle on his birthday, visiting a favorite place or playing his favorite song can bring comfort. These acts become sacred moments of connection and anchoring you to his presence even in his absence. Or, like in my case, reciting a favourite poem.

Letting Joy In Again

Many wrestle with guilt when joy starts to return. But allowing yourself to laugh, love and live again is not a betrayal—it’s an act of honoring the life he gave you. Solace comes when we realize that healing is not letting go of our father, but carrying him forward with us in quiet but enduring ways.

Seeking and Offering Solace

Solace is found in shared stories or sometimes in simply being with others who’ve walked the same path. There are various ways one could find comfort, be it through conversation, writing or just sitting beside someone in stillness. And the beauty of offering solace to others is that we often find it for ourselves.