A Three-Step Guide to Sorting a Deceased Loved One's Personal Belongings

Losing someone you love is a profound and disorienting experience. In the quiet aftermath, you are left not only with memories but also with their physical possessions; A worn leather jacket still holding its shape in the closet, a half-finished book on the nightstand, the specific disorder of a bedside drawer. These are not merely objects. They are the tangible geography of grief, and navigating it is one of the most daunting tasks we face after losing someone we love.

You are not alone in this experience. A 2019 WebMD & Amerispeak survey found that 57% of Americans are grieving the loss of someone close to them over the last three years, highlighting how common this challenging journey is. And yet, within this difficult process lies the potential for connection and healing. Each item tells a story, carries a memory, and invites you to honor the life that was. Thoughtfully engaging with personal belongings can help you preserve your loved one’s legacy, celebrate the moments you shared, and find new ways to carry their memory forward.

The Emotional Landscape of Loss and Belongings

To sort through a loved one’s possessions is to navigate a landscape where every object is charged with memory. These are not merely things; they are what grief expert Megan Devine calls the physical anchors of our love and grief. In her essential book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK, she writes:

“Every object in your life becomes an artifact, a symbol of the life that used to be and might have been. Grief extends your love beyond the physical, chronological boundaries of your relationship. It has to. Your love doesn’t stop just because their life did.”

This is the profound truth of the task. A well-worn book, a favourite coffee mug, a strand of pearls- these are "linking objects," tangible conduits to shared moments and the essential spirit of the person you miss. The scent of their perfume on a scarf isn't just a scent; it’s a direct, visceral line to their presence. The feel of their favourite sweater or the sight of their handwriting in a journal can momentarily collapse time, evoking a powerful sense of continuity that is both comforting and devastating.

Confronting these items is to confront the entirety of your relationship. It can trigger a cascade of emotions, from deep sadness and longing to a surprising surge of gratitude or joy. This is not a linear process of decluttering, but a ritual of repeated farewells, a slow and tender process of saying goodbye with every item you touch. Acknowledging this immense emotional weight is not a preliminary step, it is the foundational, most crucial work of the entire endeavor.

Create a Supportive Environment for Sorting

Choose a time when you will not be rushed and can have privacy if you need it. Prepare a comfortable, well-lit area. Gather supplies like boxes, labels, and markers. You might want to have tissues, water, and perhaps some calming music or a candle.

Creating a calm, organised environment can help reduce feelings of overwhelm and make the process feel more manageable and respectful. Using boxes and labels doesn’t just bring order, it gives the process psychological structure, turning a painful chore into something more mindful and intentional.

We recommend starting with three boxes:

• Keep

• Not Keep

• Not Sure

The "Not Sure" Box

This is your pause button, the most compassionate box of all.

Place in it any item that stirs mixed feelings, uncertainty, or hesitation. You don’t have to make every decision today. Grief is unpredictable; what feels impossible to part with now may feel different weeks or months later.

Return to this box only when you feel ready. Sometimes, distance brings clarity. Other times, you’ll find that what once caused ache now brings warmth. The “Not Sure” box is a reminder that grief moves at its own pace, and that taking your time is a form of self-kindness.

The “Not Keep” Box

Letting go of certain items doesn’t mean letting go of love. This box is for household items and belongings that do not hold strong emotional value or feel right to keep. These could be duplicates, everyday household items, or things that carry painful memories.

You can choose to donate, gift, recycle, or repurpose these objects in ways that feel meaningful. Donating items like clothing items, books, or tools to organizations such as Habitat for Humanity ReStore, the Salvation Army, or the Vietnam Veterans of America can turn loss into quiet generosity - a continuation of your loved one’s kindness in the world.

The “Keep” Box:

This box is for items that hold deep emotional or practical value - objects that feel essential to your connection with your loved one. These could be keepsakes like letters, jewellery, photos, or personal items that bring comfort and meaning.

Ask yourself:

• Does this item tell part of their story?

• Does it bring me peace, warmth, or a sense of closeness?

• Will I use or display it in a way that keeps their memory alive?

Keeping everything is not the goal - keeping what carries meaning is. Whether you later transform these items into quilts, framed art, or a memory box, each piece you keep becomes part of how their story continues.

Injecting Your Creativity

Once you’ve sorted what to keep, there are countless ways to transform those belongings into something that continues to live with you. Here are some heartfelt ideas:

• Create a memory quilt or blanket using favourite clothing items.

• Frame their handwriting for a customized memory board or create a Memory Book.

• Build a memory box or shadow box with small keepsakes, photos, and mementos.

• Digitise old photos to create a digital photo album or a tribute video set to music and mementos.

• Craft cremation jewellery or a memory pillow from a cherished piece of clothing.

• Start a tradition, like displaying a special holiday ornament in their memory or planting a tree with Living Memorial Parks as a living tribute.

Each creative act becomes a bridge, not between past and present, but between memory and meaning, transforming your grief journey into a active celebration of life.

The Place of Culture

Grieving practices vary across cultures and families. Some traditions encourage keeping a loved one’s belongings for a year, perhaps until after the first death anniversary, before deciding what to do with them. It's also a time to ensure practical matters like funeral plans, life insurance policies, and notifying the Social Security Administration are handled, often with the help of a funeral home or estate consultant.

There’s no universal timeline. Whether you act within days or months, what matters is that your choices feel respectful, loving, and true to your emotional rhythm.

Finally

Sorting through your loved one’s belongings isn’t just about deciding what stays and what goes. It’s about rediscovering the threads that connect you; the small details that made them who they were and the ways they still live on through you.

Each choice, whether to keep, give, or let go, is an act of remembrance. In time, and with the right coping tools, you’ll find that what once felt like loss begins to feel like legacy.