Grieving A Baby the World Never Met - Understanding Miscarriage.

It’s heartbreaking that so many women who experience miscarriage also carry the weight of shame. Instead of receiving compassion, they’re often left in silence, feeling as if their bodies failed or that they’re unworthy of motherhood. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Miscarriage is a devastating loss, not a personal failure—and no one should have to grieve alone. A lot of people have come up to suggest that the word “miscarriage” should be dropped all together, and no one captures it better in writing than American actor James Van Der Beek in this beautiful Instagram post.  

What makes this even harder is how often the world looks away. Many losses are hidden, unspoken, or brushed off with phrases that minimize real pain. Families are left with questions, few answers, and little support.

In November 2023, Kristen Doute, known for her role in "The Valley," opened up about her miscarriage at six weeks. She described the emotional turmoil of discovering unexpected bleeding while out of town with her fiancé, Luke Broderick as you can later listen here. Despite medical interventions, the pregnancy could not be saved, leaving Doute grappling with guilt and confusion over the lack of clear answers. 

This and many other stories, isn’t only about grief. It’s also about rights. Respectful, dignified, and compassionate care is part of sexual and reproductive health and rights. That means being listened to when something feels wrong, being given clear information and options, and receiving emotional support after a loss; not discharge papers and silence.

The Reality and Statistics of Miscarriage? 

Miscarriage, or early pregnancy loss, is a common occurrence, though exact rates can vary based on different studies and definitions. Put in mind that most cases go unreported. 

General Prevalence: 

Approximately 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. However, the actual percentage is likely higher, as many miscarriages occur before the women in question realize they are pregnant - this is according to an article published by Mayo Clinic. 

“March of Dimes” talks in detail here about Early Pregnancy Loss, highlighting that About 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester, before the 12th week of pregnancy. They go ahead to explain stages of miscarriages and what could be the causes of early miscarriage.

It's important to note that these statistics can vary based on factors such as maternal age, health conditions and lifestyle. For personalized information and support, consulting with a healthcare provider is recommended.

Behind each statistic is a parent who dreamed of holding a child and is now left grieving in silence. For some, the grief begins in a doctor’s office. For others, it begins at home, with no medical professional nearby. And in many countries, there is no counseling, no follow-up, and no acknowledgment that a death has taken place.

These numbers show us two truths:

• Miscarriage is common.

• Compassionate care after miscarriage is still rare.

For families, that gap turns a medical event into a lonely tragedy. For health systems, it’s a reminder that sexual and reproductive health and rights must include not just safe births, but dignified support in loss.

What Miscarriage Grief Feels Like

You may not have held your baby in your arms, but you carried them in your dreams; a name chosen, a laugh imagined, a future ready to unfold. Then, without warning, everything slipped away. Yet the world often expects you to move on as if it were nothing.

That absence reverberates: an empty cot, tiny clothes still folded, a painted nursery that never welcomed its child. This grief feels deeply personal and painfully invisible.

Invisible Grief and Its Deep Impact

Psychologists call this type of sorrow “disenfranchised grief”: a valid but unrecognized mourning that can intensify feelings of isolation and silent pain. Clinical research shows that individuals who miscarry often display significantly elevated rates of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress, especially when emotional needs afterward go unmet.

Long-Term Heartache and Mental Health

It’s not uncommon for grief to linger. Data indicates that only about 41% of women follow the expected emotional recovery trajectory, meaning the majority experience prolonged or complicated grief. Further, National Institute for Health and Care research studies report that about one in three women develop PTSD following miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, with symptoms like flashbacks and intrusive thoughts that may persist for months or years.

Why the Grief Feels So Real

Miscarriage isn’t just the end of a pregnancy, it’s the loss of a future. This is grief layered with shattered dreams. Parental attachment often begins early, and losing a child before birth can feel like the loss of someone you already loved.

Miscarriage grief is not simply an emotional blip, it’s a journey marked by healing, resilience, and remembrance. It deserves space, acknowledgment, and care - not silence.

The Loneliness of Early Pregnancy Loss.

Especially if you hadn’t yet shared the news, miscarriage can feel isolating. There’s a haunting silence that follows, leaving you questioning, “Was it real?”

A mother’s quiet moments can include subtle thoughts like:

 “I not only lost my baby, I also lost who I was becoming.”

It's the Guilt, the shame and in other instances, the lies we tell ourselves.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have lifted that box.” “Maybe my body isn’t good enough.”

These thoughts are normal but untrue. Miscarriages are rarely preventable and they are never a mother’s fault. Science confirms this. 

• Myth: A miscarriage is usually the mother’s fault.

• Truth: The majority of miscarriages occur early in a pregnancy and are the result of a chromosomal abnormality, clearly the fault of neither parent.

According to an article by healthline published on 22nd March 2019, a miscarriage Is never anyone's fault, all factors constant. In the article, they talk at length about possible causes of a miscarriage and stillbirths, tips for a healthy pregnancy and signs of a miscarriage. They capture myths, half truths and facts. Even after scientific backing that miscarriage is never anyone's fault….why does the heart struggle to believe?

Partners, Too, Are Grieving; Even If Quietly.

Non-carrying parents also imagine futures. They grieve, often silently, unsure of how to express their pain.

Jessica Zucker, a clinical Psychologist and Writer who runs the amazing instagram account @ihadamiscarriage lost her pregnancy at 16 weeks notes in a very special way on her blog in the WHO Website: 

“ My husband and I were devastated, but we grieved in different ways and initially struggled to find common ground. He didn’t experience haunting dreams, lactating breasts, or spiking hormones, and could go about his day uninterrupted by piercing flashbacks. He didn’t go off to work in a body that looked pregnant but wasn’t. So because it happened in my body and not his, we had quite different experiences. But, emotionally speaking, it was harrowing for him as well, to see me undergo this trauma and to lose our would-be daughter. Ultimately, we came to understand one another, our respective grieving processes, and made sure to create ways to honour our loss, together.  ”

Let's look at a few Ways to support a grieving partner after a miscarriage:

1. Write a letter to the baby together.

2. Attend follow-up appointments as a team.

3. Plant a tree or create a memorial space.

Trying Again? You Don’t Have to Rush Hope.

There is no timeline for healing. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to wait. It’s okay to decide not to try again.

Trying to conceive after miscarriage is an emotional journey. Some find comfort in trying quickly, while others need time. Both paths are valid.

What Meghan markle had to say about miscarriage in the NY times: Opinion | Meghan Markle: The Losses We Share - The New York Times and this on forbes Meghan Markle Reveals She Had A Miscarriage In Moving New York Times Op-Ed ) 

You Are Still a Parent. You Are Still Allowed to Grieve.

If you felt love, you’re allowed to grieve. Even if no one else saw it. Even if you only whispered their name.

“You are still a mother. You were still carrying a story. And you are still worthy of mourning.”

Your loss is real. Your grief is valid. And you are not alone.

When the System Fails the Grieving Mother

The experience of losing a child through a miscarriage can be made even more excruciating by a system that seems to forget the humanity behind the diagnosis.

There are women who are denied the chance to say goodbye. Mothers who are kept in hospital wards while their babies are buried without them. No goodbye. No closure. Just a gaping hole and a hospital discharge form.

Grieving mothers are often met with cold efficiency instead of empathy. They’re spoken to in hushed, clinical tones, their emotions treated like an inconvenience. The loss of a child, even before birth is not just a medical event. It's a death in the family. A funeral should not go on without the mother, yet it happens more often than we dare to admit.

Then there's the unspoken spiral of postnatal depression that follows. The kind that creeps in when the world moves on and you're left alone with milk in your breasts and no baby to feed. The kind that grows when no one dares to say the baby's name or even acknowledge that there was a baby.

This might be radical for some, or maybe not, but Compassion shouldn't be optional in healthcare. Grief needs room and parents deserve to grieve their loss with dignity, not in sterile silence and forced isolation.

Unfortunately in most hospitals, compassion is lost in protocol. Mothers are discharged with a clinical checklist, no counselling and no warmth whatsoever; just a flat, final “you’re okay to go.”

Can you imagine mourning a child you never got to meet and then being robbed of the chance to say goodbye?

This isn't healing. It's trauma wrapped in white bedsheets and red tape.

Postnatal depression after miscarriage usually creeps in quietly. Suddenly couples are constantly fighting, with no one talking about the elephant in the room. The world sees you walking, smiling, posting again- but inside, you're unraveling.

Healthcare systems should learn to hold space for grief and treat miscarriage not just as a physical event, but as a deep, emotional loss. And grieving mothers: you deserve compassion, not silence. You deserve to mourn your baby, attend their funeral, cry without shame, and receive care beyond the operating room.

If You’re Grieving, You’re Not Alone

These resources; from helplines to podcasts and books may help you feel supported.

Australia

United States of America

United Kingdom

Further Reading and Listening: