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Solace & More

Breaking the Silence: Understanding and Overcoming Inhibited Grief

Winnie image by solace and support
Written by Winnie Araka
Fact checked by John
Winnie image by solace and support

Grief is a natural and inevitable human response to loss. However, not everyone experiences or expresses it in the same way. While some people outwardly show sadness through crying or sharing memories, others may unconsciously suppress these emotions. This is known as inhibited grief.

Research shows that a significant number of people internalize their pain. Approximately 15% of individuals show minimal outward signs of grief in the first year or two after a loss. For some, this reflects resilience, but for others, it can signal emotions that are being avoided or buried.

When grief is inhibited and remains unprocessed, it can have serious long-term effects on both mental and physical health. Studies indicate that roughly 1 in 10 bereaved adults will experience prolonged or complicated grief, a figure that can rise to nearly 50% following traumatic losses, such as those that are sudden or violent. This unaddressed emotional pain is also associated with a higher risk of sleep disturbances, clinical anxiety, and cardiovascular health issues.

Comparison to Disenfranchised Grief

It is common to confuse inhibited grief with disenfranchised grief, but they are distinct experiences:

  • Inhibited Grief: This is an internal thing. You stop yourself from feeling.

  • Disenfranchised Grief: This is an external process. Society minimizes your loss (like a pet's death or a divorce) "doesn't count" and count is as NOT worthy of mourning.

You can experience both at the same time and honestly, it's a brutal combination.

How to Spot the Signs of Inhibited Grief

Inhibited grief is often a silent struggle. The pain of loss doesn't disappear; it often emerges through other channels: your body, your mood, and your behavior. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward healing.

Here’s what to look for, based on clinical observations and research:

1. The Emotional Void: Numbness and Avoidance

The most telling sign isn't intense sadness, but a notable absence of feeling.

  • Emotional Numbness: You feel detached, flat, or "fine" in a way that doesn't match the significance of your loss. It's not peace; it's emptiness.

  • Active Avoidance: You go out of your way to avoid reminders, you keep on changing the subject when the person comes up, putting away photos, or steering clear of places you used to go together. The Mayo Clinic describes avoidance as a behavior that can complicate the natural grieving process.

2. When Grief Masks Itself: Anger and Irritability

Unexplained frustration is a classic red flag. When sadness is blocked, it often morphs into anger.

  • Short Fuse: You find yourself snapping over minor inconveniences. This irritability feels uncontrollable and is often directed at loved ones.

  • Cynicism and Resentment: You may develop a pervasive negative outlook, feeling easily annoyed by others who seem happy. This is what experts at the National Cancer Institute call masked grief; where emotion expresses itself in a different, often surprising, form.

3. Your Body Keeps Score: Unexplained Physical Symptoms

Your body can outwardly manifest the stress your mind won't process. Research has consistently drawn a link between unresolved emotional distress and physical health.

  • Unexplained Aches and Pains: Chronic headaches, back pain, or gastrointestinal issues (like nausea or stomach pain) with no clear medical cause are common.

  • Frequent Illness: The American Psychological Association (APA) explains how prolonged stress can weaken the immune system, making you more susceptible to infections and illnesses.

  • Sleep Disruptions: This includes either struggling with insomnia or sleeping excessively to escape. Fatigue is a constant companion. The Sleep Foundation details the complex relationship between grief and sleep disturbances.

4. The Social Withdrawal: Isolation and Performance

Social life becomes a performance that feels too exhausting to maintain.

  • Isolating from Support: You cancel plans and withdraw from friends and family. Being around others means having to "act okay," which feels like a chore.

  • The "Strong One" Persona: You might lean into the role of the rock for everyone else, using care-giving as a way to avoid your own pain. This reinforces the belief that you shouldn't need help yourself.

What Causes Inhibited Grief? Why Are You Feeling This Way?

First of all, let’s be clear: there’s no “normal” way to grieve. But if you’re shutting down and shutting out instead of opening up, it’s usually not a choice. It’s often rooted in one (or more) of these very real, very human reasons:

1. "Be Strong" Culture & Social Expectations

From the time we’re children, society gives us scripts for how to handle loss and many of them are deeply flawed.

  • "Man Up" Syndrome: There exists still a toxic narrative that says expressing sadness is weak. So you silence it. You become the "rock" for everyone else until you forget how to be anything else.

  • The "Good Stoic" Myth: For women, there's pressure to be the composed one, to not make a scene, to keep the family together. When everyone looks to you to hold it together, falling apart feels like you’re letting them or the departed in case of death- down.

  • Workplace Culture: How many bereavement days does your job give you? Three? Five? The message is subtly loud: Grieve quickly, then get back to productivity. That’s not enough time, so you pack it away to meet work-place expectations.

2. Your Personal Beliefs & Baggage

How you were raised and what you believe about emotions play a massive role especially in regards to processing grief.

  • Childhood Conditioning: Did those around you dismiss emotions growing up? Were you told to "go to your room if you’re going to cry"? If you were taught that big feelings are a burden or something to be ashamed of, you internalize that. As an adult, your default setting therefore becomes "suppress."

  • Your "Should" Narrative: "I should be over this by now." "I shouldn't be so sad; they lived a long life." We torture ourselves with these sob stories, and when we can’t live up to them, we decide the problem is our feelings, not the narrative. So we try to stop feeling them anddddd that's wrong.

3. Pure, Overwhelming Fear

Grief is terrifying.

  • Fear of the Floodgates: You’re not just afraid of feeling sad. You’re scared that if you let yourself start crying, you’ll never stop. That you’ll completely lose control and won’t be able to function. So your brain, trying to protect you, slams that door shut.

  • Fear of Being a Burden: You don’t want to overwhelm your partner, your friends, colleagues or your family with your pain. You see them hurting and decide your job is to support them, not add to their load. Your grief becomes a secret you keep to protect others.

4. The Nature of the Loss Itself

Some losses are harder to process because they’re inherently more complex for the human brain to process quickly.

  • Traumatic or Sudden Loss: A shocking accident, a suicide, or a sudden death from a heart attack can be too much for the brain to compute. The resultant shock and trauma can literally freeze the grieving process as a survival tactic.

  • Ambiguous or Disenfranchised Loss: If you’re grieving someone who is still alive (like with dementia or addiction) or a loss that others don’t validate (like a miscarriage, an online friend, or a pet), the lack of clarity or support can make it feel impossible to grieve. 

The Real Risk of Unexpressed Grief: What the Science Says

When you suppress grief, it doesn’t vanish. It goes underground, creating a constant state of stress that can damage your body and mind over time.

The science is clear: untreated grief is toxic. Here’s what the research shows.

1. It Physically Rewires Your Body’s Stress Response

When you inhibit grief, your body remains stuck in a fight-or-flight state. This leads to chronically high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, which is directly linked to serious health problems.

  • A Weakened Immune System: A landmark study found that bereaved individuals had significantly weaker immune cell responses than non-bereaved counterparts, leaving them more vulnerable to illness and infection.

  • Increased Inflammation & Heart Disease Risk: Research published in Psychoneuroendocrinology shows that the emotional distress of grief is associated with higher levels of inflammation. This chronic inflammation is a known contributor to cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and arthritis.

2. It Significantly Elevates Your Risk for Mental Health Disorders

Suppressed grief doesn’t stay contained; it often morphs into other, more complex conditions.

  • Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD): Roughly 1 in 10 bereaved adults will develop PGD, a condition where grief remains severe and disabling. This risk can skyrocket to 50% after sudden or violent losses.

  • Major Depression & Anxiety: The constant emotional burden dramatically increases the risk for clinical depression and anxiety disorders. Complicated grief is a distinct and powerful predictor of these conditions.

3. It Can Shorten Your Lifespan

The most stark finding is the mortality risk. The body keeps score, and the tally is severe.

  • Broken Heart Syndrome”: The American Heart Association acknowledges the phenomenon of stress-induced cardiomyopathy (takotsubo cardiomyopathy), often triggered by intense grief or shock, which can cause severe, though often temporary, heart muscle failure.

  • Increased Mortality in Spouses: Older adults who lose a spouse have a significantly increased risk of death in the following years, often from heart disease or stroke; a finding so robust it’s known as the “widowhood effect.”

Further Evidence:

According to a 2020 study in The Journal of Behavioral Medicine, unresolved grief can increase the risk of long-term health complications by up to 40%.

Additionally, a 2018 study published in Psychology Today found that individuals with inhibited grief are more likely to experience chronic stress.

5 Ways to Heal from Inhibited Grief

Healing from inhibited grief begins with a single, brave step: acknowledging your loss and choosing to face the feelings you've had to suppress. These five expert-recommended approaches can guide you toward release and renewal.

1. Seek Professional Guidance

You don't have to untangle this alone. A therapist or grief counselor provides a safe, non-judgmental space to process emotions that feel too overwhelming to face by yourself. Look for specialists in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Prolonged Grief Disorder Therapy (PGDT), which are proven to help re-frame painful thoughts and behaviors. Online therapy platforms can make accessing help private and convenient.

2. Express Yourself Creatively

When words fail, art speaks. Creative outlets offer a powerful, often non-verbal, channel to express emotions that feel stuck. Try writing your thoughts down on journal, painting, writing music, or even gardening. The goal isn't to create a masterpiece but to release what's inside.

3. Lean on Your Support System

Isolation fuels inhibited grief and connection is the antidote. Join a grief support group or confide in a few trusted friends or family members. Sharing your experience and hearing others' stories reminds you that you are not alone. In cases physical meets might be impossible(COVID 19 e.t.c), online spaces also act as informal support networks. Subreddits like r/GriefSupport work like digital peer groups, where people share grief coping strategies and offer each other encouragement. While not a replacement for professional help, these spaces highlight the human need for connection.

4. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

Healing requires learning to sit with your feelings without judgment. Mindfulness creates a safe container for this process. Start with a 5-minute daily meditation or deep-breathing exercise. When difficult feelings arise, talk to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a grieving friend.

5. Move Your Body

Grief stores itself in your muscles and tissues. Physical activity is a powerful way to release it. You don't need intense workouts. A daily walk, yoga, stretching, or dancing in your living room can all help. Exercise releases endorphins, which naturally boost mood and counteract stress hormones. Research has found that regular physical activity is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety in those who are grieving

How to Lovingly Support Someone with Inhibited Grief

When a loved one is hiding their grief, your support can be a lifeline. They may seem "fine," but unexpressed pain can be damaging. Here’s how to help effectively.

What You Can Do:

  • Listen Without Pushing. Offer quiet presence instead of pressure. Say, “I’m here if you want to talk, but it’s also okay if you don’t.”

  • Validate Their Feelings. affirm that however they feel is okay. Avoid timelines or judgments.

  • Suggest Gentle Outlets. Propose activities like a walk, journaling, or joining a support group together.

  • Gently Recommend Professional Help. Normalize therapy. Say, “I found this resource; would you want to look together?”

What You Can't Do:

  • Force Conversation. Avoid pressing them to “open up” before they’re ready.

  • Minimize Their Loss. Never say, “You should be over it by now.”

  • Take Withdrawal Personally. Grief is isolating. Give space without disappearing.

When to Step In: If you notice signs of severe depression, self-harm, or talk of suicide, urge them to contact their local Suicide & Crisis Lifeline immediately.

Tools and Resources for Healing from Inhibited Grief

Apps:

  • BetterHelp: Access licensed therapists from the comfort of your home.

  • GriefShare: Connect with local support groups and resources.

Books:

Online Communities:

Downloadable Resources:

Frequently Asked Questions

Because these questions come up for many - here’s what to know.

Signs include physical symptoms like fatigue or insomnia, emotional numbness, or avoidance of discussing the loss.

Yes, unresolved grief can increase the risk of anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation.

Begin by acknowledging your feelings, journaling your thoughts, and seeking support from trusted friends or professionals.

Yes, suppressed grief can lead to decreased productivity, concentration issues, and increased absenteeism.

The duration varies for each individual, but without addressing it, grief can linger and affect overall well-being.

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