It's quite heartbreaking that so many women who experience miscarriage also carry the heavy burden of shame. Instead of receiving the compassion they deserve, they often struggle in silence, feeling as though their bodies have failed them or that they are somehow unworthy of motherhood. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Miscarriage is a devastating loss, not a personal failure, yet society’s discomfort with the topic leaves many women feeling isolated, blaming themselves for something beyond their control. No woman should have to grieve alone. A lot of people have come up to suggest that the word “miscarriage” should be dropped all together, and no one captures it better in writing than American actor James Van Der Beek in this beautiful Instagram post.

In November 2023, Kristen Doute, known for her role in "The Valley," opened up about her miscarriage at six weeks. She described the emotional turmoil of discovering unexpected bleeding while out of town with her fiancé, Luke Broderick (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/vanderpump-rules-and-the-valley-star-kristen-doute/id1457516002?i=1000701882261 ). Despite medical interventions, the pregnancy could not be saved, leaving Doute grappling with guilt and confusion over the lack of clear answers.

Pregnancy and infant Loss are as devastating a loss as any and should be treated as delicately as possible.

What are the statistics on Miscarriage?

Miscarriage, or early pregnancy loss, is a common occurrence, though exact rates can vary based on different studies and definitions. Put in mind that most cases go unreported.

General Prevalence:

Approximately 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. However, the actual percentage is likely higher, as many miscarriages occur before the women in question realize they are pregnant - this is according to an article published by Mayo Clinic.

“March of Dimes” talks in detail here about Early Pregnancy Loss, highlighting that About 80% of miscarriages happen in the first trimester, before the 12th week of pregnancy. They go ahead to explain stages of miscarriages and what could be the causes of early miscarriage.

It's important to note that these statistics can vary based on factors such as maternal age, health conditions and lifestyle. For personalized information and support, consulting with a healthcare provider is recommended.

We need to understand that miscarriage grief is valid and deeply felt, regardless of the stage of pregnancy or public visibility.

It Wasn’t ‘Just a Miscarriage.’ It Was My Child.

You may not have held them in your arms, but you held them in your dreams. You had their name ready, pictured their laugh, the way they’d sleep on your chest. And then without warning, everything disappeared, and the world expected you to carry on like it was nothing.

But it wasn't nothing because that loss turned your world upside down. A baby cot here, newborn baby clothes you had bought still lying in the closet or maybe a room you had already painted. Everywhere you turn there is evidence of what could have been.

This is for the mothers, the fathers and the hearts broken in silence. You don’t need to prove your grief. We believe you.

What Miscarriage Grief Actually Feels Like.

Miscarriage grief is a deep loss with no visible proof. The physical recovery can feel like a cruel contrast to the emotional collapse. Unlike other losses, this grief often goes unrecognized, making it uniquely painful.

Why does miscarriage hurt so much? Because it’s not just about losing a pregnancy but losing an entire future. The dreams, the love, the milestones that will never be.

The Loneliness of Early Pregnancy Loss.

Especially if you hadn’t yet shared the news, miscarriage can feel isolating. There’s a haunting silence that follows, leaving you questioning, “Was it real?”

A mother’s quiet moments can include subtle thoughts like:

“I not only lost my baby, I also lost who I was becoming.”

It's the Guilt, the shame and in other instances, the lies we tell ourselves.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have lifted that box.” “Maybe my body isn’t good enough.”

These thoughts are normal but untrue. Miscarriages are rarely preventable and they are never a mother’s fault. Science confirms this.

Myth: A miscarriage is usually the mother’s fault.

Truth: The majority of miscarriages occur early in a pregnancy and are the result of a chromosomal abnormality, clearly the fault of neither parent.

According to an article by healthline published on 22nd March 2019, a miscarriage Is never anyone's fault, all factors constant. In the article, they talk at length about possible causes of a miscarriage and stillbirths, tips for a healthy pregnancy and signs of a miscarriage. They capture myths, half truths and facts. Even after scientific backing that miscarriage is never anyone's fault….why does the heart struggle to believe?

Partners, Too, Are Grieving; Even If Quietly.

Non-carrying parents also imagine futures. They grieve, often silently, unsure of how to express their pain.

Jessica Zucker, a clinical Psychologist and Writer who runs the amazing instagram account @ihadamiscarriage lost her pregnancy at 16 weeks notes in a very special way on her blog in the WHO Website:

“ My husband and I were devastated, but we grieved in different ways and initially struggled to find common ground. He didn’t experience haunting dreams, lactating breasts, or spiking hormones, and could go about his day uninterrupted by piercing flashbacks. He didn’t go off to work in a body that looked pregnant but wasn’t. So because it happened in my body and not his, we had quite different experiences. But, emotionally speaking, it was harrowing for him as well, to see me undergo this trauma and to lose our would-be daughter. Ultimately, we came to understand one another, our respective grieving processes, and made sure to create ways to honour our loss, together. ”

Let's look at a few Ways to support a grieving partner after a miscarriage:

Write a letter to the baby together.
Attend follow-up appointments as a team.
Plant a tree or create a memorial space.

What NOT to Say (And What Actually Helps)

Well-meaning words can sometimes cut the deepest.

Case in point:

“At least it was early.” Please, refrain from this one. It cuts deep to any mother. It might come from a place of innocence, but it sure doesn't help matters.

Everything happens for a reason",

"At least you know you can get pregnant",

"Be grateful for what you have",

"God has a plan",

"At least you weren't very far along",

“You can try again.”

or, “It wasn’t meant to be.” (because, seriously, how do you know that?)

Helpful:

“I’m so sorry. I know how much you wanted this baby.”

“I am here for you in whatever way you need.”

“Your grief is real, and your baby mattered.”

[Download our Printable Support Guide: What to Say and NOT say after a Miscarriage]

Trying Again? You Don’t Have to Rush Hope.

There is no timeline for healing. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to wait. It’s okay to decide not to try again.

Trying to conceive after miscarriage is an emotional journey. Some find comfort in trying quickly, while others need time. Both paths are valid.

What Meghan markle had to say about miscarriage in the NY times: Opinion | Meghan Markle: The Losses We Share - The New York Times and this on forbes Meghan Markle Reveals She Had A Miscarriage In Moving New York Times Op-Ed )

You Are Still a Parent. You Are Still Allowed to Grieve.

If you felt love, you’re allowed to grieve. Even if no one else saw it. Even if you only whispered their name.

“You are still a mother. You were still carrying a story. And you are still worthy of mourning.”

Your loss is real. Your grief is valid. And you are not alone.

What to say; and what not to say to a mom who just lost their unborn child.

Talking to someone who’s had a miscarriage can be hard because emotions run deep. The key is to be sensitive, supportive, and avoid minimizing their pain.

What to Say

"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"I’m here for you, whenever you need to talk."
"This must be so hard for you."
"Take all the time you need to grieve."
"I can’t imagine what you're going through, but I’m here for you."
"You’re not alone."

You can also offer specific help like:

"Can I bring you a meal this week?"
"Would it help if I came by or gave you some space?"
Sometimes, all you need to do is show up with a meal, fruits, sit with them and say nothing, all the while showing that you care and you understand their pain.

What Not to Say

Avoid comments that dismiss, minimize, or try to “fix” her grief:

"At least you know you can get pregnant."
"It wasn’t meant to be."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"You can try again."
"It was probably for the best."
"Other people have it worse."

Also, don’t start offering medical advice or asking intrusive questions like "What went wrong?" or "Was it something you did?"

Here are more questions that should not be asked after a miscarriage, as they can come off as intrusive, judgmental, or insensitive:

"How far along were you?" (This can make it feel like the loss is being measured or judged.)
"Was it a boy or a girl?" (This can be painful, especially if she didn’t know yet.)
"Were you trying for a baby?" (Implying the pregnancy wasn't intentional doesn't help.)
"Did you do something strenuous?" (Suggests blame, even if unintentionally.)
"Do you think stress caused it?" (Again, this places unnecessary guilt.)
"Are you going to try again soon?" (Too soon. Grief doesn't run on a schedule.)
"How is your partner taking it?" (While well-meaning, it can shift focus away from her grief.)
"Are you feeling better now?" (Healing is complex—this may rush the grieving process.)

Basically, if a question makes her feel like she needs to explain, justify, or speed up her healing—it’s better not to ask.

If you're ever unsure, silence paired with kindness and presence often says more than words.

When the System Fails the Grieving Mother

The experience of losing a child through a miscarriage can be made even more excruciating by a system that seems to forget the humanity behind the diagnosis.

There are women who are denied the chance to say goodbye. Mothers who are kept in hospital wards while their babies are buried without them. No goodbye. No closure. Just a gaping hole — and a hospital discharge form.

Grieving mothers are often met with cold efficiency instead of empathy. They’re spoken to in hushed, clinical tones, their emotions treated like an inconvenience. The loss of a child — even before birth — is not just a medical event. It's a death in the family. A funeral should not go on without the mother, yet it happens more often than we dare to admit.

Then there's the unspoken spiral of postnatal depression that follows. The kind that creeps in when the world moves on and you're left alone with milk in your breasts and no baby to feed. The kind that grows when no one dares to say the baby's name — or even acknowledge that there was a baby.

This might be radical for some, or maybe not, but Compassion shouldn't be optional in healthcare. Grief needs room and parents deserve to grieve their loss with dignity, not in sterile silence and forced isolation.

Unfortunately in most hospitals, compassion is lost in protocol. Mothers are discharged with a clinical checklist, no counseling and no warmth whatsoever — just a flat, final “you’re okay to go.”

Can you imagine mourning a child you never got to meet — and then being robbed of the chance to say goodbye?

This isn't healing. It's trauma wrapped in white bedsheets and red tape.

Postnatal depression after miscarriage usually creeps in quietly. Suddenly couples are constantly fighting, with no one talking about the elephant in the room. The world sees you walking, smiling, posting again — but inside, you're unraveling.

Healthcare systems should learn to hold space for grief and treat miscarriage not just as a physical event, but as a deep, emotional loss. And grieving mothers — you deserve compassion, not silence. You deserve to mourn your baby, attend their funeral, cry without shame, and receive care beyond the operating room.

If you're grieving, you're not alone. Here are a few resources that may help:

In Australia:

https://rednosegriefandloss.org.au/

https://www.pinkelephants.org.au/

https://miscarriageaustralia.com.au/

In the USA:

https://chasingtherainbows.org/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwhr6_BhD4ARIsAH1YdjBXBRZmGofRgfFrCbH4uOBO8tgsB-3KAa1HVQxbIR0vAVCvxGPOsu4aAghVEALw_wcB

https://www.mymiscarriagematters.org/

https://womenshealth.ucsf.edu/whrc/resources-organizations-pregnancy-loss

https://rtzhope.org/national-us

https://starlegacyfoundation.org/

https://postpartum.net/get-help/loss-grief-in-pregnancy-postpartum/